Brain Dump

This is just a random brain dump from a couple of weeks ago. It’s kind of all over the place, and some of it is a little raw, but I thought there might be someone who resonated with at least some of it.

Are the double standards real, or are they just inside my head?
Do I hold myself to impossible standards or am I trying to people please, still, and make those around me happy, doing the things and acting the way I think they expect me to?
Why do I feel like it’s not okay for me to have weak moments, sad days, hard times?
Ot at lease in the having thereof, I feel like I can’t let anyone else know.
Keep it hidden.
Put on that mask, that smile, that armor with the war mask.
Like a Japanese samurai, or a painted-faced warrior.
Hide the fear behind the masks and the paint.
I hide my fears and insecurities behind practiced facial expressions.
The longer I wear it, the more weary I get.
But I don’t even know how to take it off.

It feels like I just get hit from every side
I don’t know where to turn but to the Lord.
And I know He should be enough.
And I feel weak and shameful for wanting more.
For wanting comfort on earth.

Lord, fill my heart.
Remind me that You are enough.
You will provide all I need.
You are enough.
You will give me all I need.
You will make my paths clear.
You will fill me with Your strength>
Yahweh Tzevaot.
Lord of Hosts.
Jehovah Rohi.
God our Shepherd.
Who leads me and protects me.
Who shows me how and when to rest.

Like a sheep, I am stubborn and stupid.
I don’t listen and don’t understand.
When He says, “Rest,” I say, “No, God, I’ve got this. I have to have this. And I know You’ll give me strength.”
He looks lovingly and says, “My child, strength is not what you need. You need My rest and peace. The strength will come. The rest comes first.”

But where do you find rest?
When there’s so much to do.
And so many people need you.
When you don’t fell like there’s anyone you can turn to but Him.
When you always have to be strong.
Keep on keeping on.

God, give me strength to keep on keeping on.
Let me wear my mask a little longer.
Send me one who I can remove it with.

Or is this You wanting me to trust completely in You?

God, I don’t know.

I do know that Your ways are better than mine.
Your plans are better than mine.

I trust in You.

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